North Korea Wages War on Counter Revolutionary Hair Styles

North Korea scares the bejesus out of most sensible people. A failing state of starving people with nuclear weapons is hardly a good neighbor. A recent BBC report, though, suggests that North Korean paranoia has reached unparalleled levels. A TV program called “Common Sense” ran a five-part series on the proper hairstyles for men. It is recommended by the Pyongyang government that men get a haircut every 15 days. With priorities like that, disarming the regime has become even more important.

The “Common Sense” program has spilled over into a fully fledged campaign with another segment on TV translated as “ Let us trim our hair in accordance with Socialist lifestyle.” With a slogan like that, the barricades are likely to be rather thinly populated. According to the BBC, there are five acceptable hair styles for men: "flat-top crew cut," "middle hairstyle," "low hairstyle," and "high hairstyle," which the Beeb describes as “variations from one to five centimetres in length.” The fifth style is the combover, or as the translators politely put it “The programme allowed men aged over 50 seven centimetres of upper hair to cover balding.” Well, at least the mullet is unacceptable there.

The BBC also noted “Television newsreels such as ‘Employees of Pyongyang Textile Plant keep their hairstyle and dressing neat and tidy’ and ‘Hairdressers at Ch'anggwangwo'n manage men's hair according to the demands of the military-first era’ have also aired." Forgetting for a moment that this is still superior to any of the reality programs on US TV, just why does the government care about a man’s hairstyle? Well, “Hair is a very important issue that shows the people's cultural standards and mental and moral state,” according to the Minju Choson newspaper.

Of course, once the government starts worrying about the hair, the clothes come next. Neat clothing, says North Korean radio, “is important in repelling the enemies' maneuvers to infiltrate corrupt capitalist ideas and lifestyle and establishing the socialist lifestyle of the military-first era." Minju Choson says, "No matter how good the clothes, if one does not wear tidy shoes, one's personality will be downgraded." Nodong Sinmun another newspaper, wrote, “People who wear other's style of dress and live in other's style will become fools and that nation will come to ruin." Being sloppy and unkempt is, in short, not acceptable in North Korea. Another TV program has followed “long-haired” men hidden camera style and confronted them about their appearance – going so far as to give their names and addresses. It is hardly surprising that some of them "meanly ran away."

At last, there is a chance of a diplomatic break through that will end the madness and bring the US and North Korea closer together. The idea is “Queer Eye for the Communist Guy.” The gay makeover crew can go to Pyongyang and give the men of North Korea a completely new image. While the idea originated here, in the interest of international peace and progress in fashion, no copyright will be enforced.

© Copyright 2005 by The Kensington Review, J. Myhre, Editor. No part of this publication may be reproduced without written consent.

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