Batboy Suspended for Drinking Milk

Baseball is one of the most beautifully perfect things in God’s creation. In order to survive the howling stupidity of the owners of Major League Baseball and their minions, it has to be. That stupidity plumbed Marianas Trench-like depths this week when the Florida Marlins suspended a batboy for six games. His crime was drinking a gallon of milk on a bet.

The Florida Marlins (a team that once one the World Series and then broke up the winning team for the profits) were playing the Los Angeles Dodgers in California. And Dodger pitcher Brad Penny, who used to be a Marlin, bet one of Florida's batboys (who as a minor hasn’t been named by the media) that the kid couldn’t drink a gallon of milk in an hour and keep it down. The kid stood to earn $500 from Mr. Penny if he did. The media has reported that the kid either failed to swallow the 3.79 liters in the allotted time or alternatively, that once down, it came back up. In any case, he didn’t get the cash.

Fair enough, it was a rather stupid offer and a rather stupid attempt. However, in a world where poker is on ESPN regularly and where there is an International Federation of Competitive Eating, it doesn’t really surprise anyone. Now, Mr. Penny might have exercised better judgment in dealing with a minor, but batboys for Major League teams have to be at least 16 years of age – in most states, old enough to drive (one year younger than the limit for enlisting in the Marine Corps). It isn’t like he tried to get a 5 year-old to drink a beer. This is a complaint about milk and an almost adult.

However, the Florida Marlins decided that the batboy must be punished. He’s serving a 6 game suspension (meaning no pay), while Rafael Ramirez got a 10-game suspension for a positive steroid test after wagging his finger under oath at congress and saying he’d never used the stuff. As Mr. Penny said, “It's kind of ridiculous that you get a 10-game suspension for steroids and a six-game suspension for milk.”

There is some good news. The kid may get $500 and any lost wages from the Milk Processor Education Program according to ESPN if he drinks 3 glasses of milk a day (not all at once) as a promotional gimmick. But maybe this is why the Marlins are tied for third in a five-team division – as Mr. Penny said, “It's ridiculous that they worry about stuff like that. It shows they [the Marlins organization] don't know anything about the game. That kind of stuff goes on everywhere. It didn't affect the way he worked, the way he did his job.”

In the spirit of common sense, therefore, the Kensington Review is pleased to announce that the Marlins’ top management is officially the worst in Major League Baseball, which is in turn among the worst businessmen in the nation. Moreover, the Marlins are hereby designated the National League Team hated most here. Every loss will be cheered, every failure celebrated. Why not the most hated in all of baseball? Because, dear reader, there are the Yankees – Satan’s Team.


© Copyright 2005 by The Kensington Review, J. Myhre, Editor. No part of this publication may be reproduced without written consent.
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