Fighting the War on "Happy Holidays"

Once again, the founder of the Christian faith must be wondering whether some of his flock heard him correctly. The Pharisee Right in America has decided that “Happy Holidays” as a greeting is somehow an attack on their beliefs. They are insisting on “Merry Christmas,” and one of them proudly told the media that when he got a card from the White House that read “Happy Holidays,” it was a slap in the face, and he threw it out. Humbug.

When the pilgrims (see, a religious word already) came to America and swindled the Indians out of Massachusetts, they didn’t celebrate Christmas. They didn’t celebrate much of anything. Celebrating was the work of the devil. They passed a law in the colony in 1659 against it; making merry on December 25 could get a person a five shilling fine back in those days. So, if one wants to stick to American tradition, perhaps the day before Boxing Day should be a day at the office.

But, let’s suppose for a moment that partying (even in a good, sober, Baptist fashion) on that day isn’t just a retread of a pagan solstice festival (which would leave a lot of explaining to do regarding the tree and the Druidic mistletoe). A great many Christians take time off then. Some even stretch the break out for a week, and they don’t return to work until January 2. Meaning that there is a “Happy New Year” that needs conveying as well. Suppose two Methodists, Jack and Dave, meet at church Christmas Eve. “Merry Christmas” might be very appropriate. Yet, if they both know they aren’t going to see each other until after January 1, “Happy Holidays” becomes more efficient, extending goodwill for two occasions with the same four syllables. Economists would realize this as a productivity increase – which is also very American.

Why would anyone want such an efficiency in their holiday greeting? Well, there are a great many parts of the country where Jack and Dave really don’t want to spend any more time in the parking lot chatting than they have to. Places like Minnesota, the Dakotas, Wisconsin, Michigan, Maine, New Hampshire and such get frightfully cold. At -40° F (which is also -40 °C), the amount of time for both of them to say “Merry Christmas and Happy New Year” could lead to frozen lungs and frost-bitten toes. It isn’t a multi-cultural lessening of devout Christian practice; it’s a matter of survival.

As for the Jews and Muslims and others who aren’t as pumped about December 25th (did Joseph and Mary's boy really have that date on his birth certificate?) as Christians, “Happy Holidays” is merely an acknowledgement that Christian evangelism has a long way to go before everyone hears the Gospel and accepts Jesus into their hearts as their personal savior. And that wouldn’t be so hard if the Pharisee Right would stop bringing Christianity into disrepute by chronically acting like a bunch of jerks. See, sales are easier to make if the salesman isn’t hostile to the customer.

The Kensington Review wishes all of its readers a very joyous whatever-the-heck gets them through the long, dark days of late December, and may Odin bless.

© Copyright 2005 by The Kensington Review, J. Myhre, Editor. No part of this publication may be reproduced without written consent.
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