Massachusetts Persists in Fluffernutter Heresy

When George Washington Carver gave mankind peanut butter, he unlocked the recipe for ambrosia, on which Zeus himself dined. It was called “mana” by the ancient Hebrews. Leave it to Massachusetts, home of New England winters and the Boston Celtics to ruin perfection. There, people add a locally produced marshmallow spread marketed as “Fluff” to create a “fluffernutter” sandwich. No wonder the Kennedys have always tried to get to Washington by any means necessary.

The latest battle against the fluffernutter began when 8-year-old Nathaniel Barrios asked his dad, Democratic State Senator Jarrett T. Barrios, to make him such a sandwich because he had one at school and really liked it. The Barrios household claims to run a healthy kitchen, and dad was upset. He should have explained to his son that people who ruin peanut butter in this way occupy a very hot and unpleasant part of hell, and that Judas Iscariot ate a fluffernutter just before kissing Jesus. Alas, no, instead, he introduced a bill limiting the use of Fluff in school lunches.

Well, that set off a row that hasn’t ended yet. State Representative Kathi-Anne Reinstein, also a Democrat, retaliated with a bill to make the fluffernutter the official state sandwich. As she told the Los Angeles Times with tongue in cheek, “We have a state doughnut. The commonwealth [Massachusetts calls itself that, rather than “a state” – one more reason to hate the place] has an official soil. There is a state shell and a state beverage. We have a state muffin, a state dessert, a state cookie, an official state children's book, a state polka song, a state ceremonial march — why not make the Fluffernutter the official state sandwich?” Apparently, the state ideology is silliness.

To be fair to the good people at Durkee-Mower Inc., makers of Fluff, their marshmallow product is not sold as a health food. It is about as calorific as jam and jelly. It has no cholesterol or fat, and has “almost immeasurable sodium.” It is brilliant on ice cream, especially chocolate and its derivative, Rocky Road, of which marshmallow is a prime ingredient. In short, it's good stuff.

Yet, as any rabbi will note, some foods are not right together. Peanut butter may not be polluted by lesser spreads (and that does so include jelly!) nor is a true peanut butter sandwich made with whole grain bread. Butter is acceptable if only to prevent the oils in the peanut butter from soaking into the bread if one must brown bag one’s lunch. One shouldn’t even think of Marmite, vegemite and marmalade while thinking of peanut butter. And Fluff should remain in the lunchrooms of Massachusetts schools only as part of dessert.

© Copyright 2006 by The Kensington Review, Jeff Myhre, PhD, Editor. No part of this publication may be reproduced without written consent. Produced using Fedora Linux.

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