Bond Would Never Play Texas Hold ‘Em

When the next James Bond film opens, the first of the Bond books will get ruined again by the movies. Ian Lancaster Fleming’s Casino Royale came out in 1953 and introduces the reader to the world’s most famous and glamorous spy. Bond, in both print and on screen, is posh, but too rough to be a genuine toff. This film will, however, wreck that image as it substitutes Texas Hold ‘Em for baccarat in the vital casino confrontation with Le Chiffre. Next, he’ll eat peanut butter and processed cheese while drinking Gatorade.

Many of the Bond franchise great arguments have been over the choice of actor for the role. Sir Sean Connery is usually compared favorably to Roger Moore (who is really Simon Templar, the Saint created by the under-praised Leslie Charteris) and all the others fall behind them. The current kerfuffle is whether Pierce Brosnan (an Irishman despite his plumy accent) should have kept the job. Daniel Craig, some say, is too blond and unattractive.

Any reader of the books knows that the Bond created by Mr. Fleming had a scarred face, a drinking problem and a lust for nicotine that surpassed his eye for women. He wasn’t a superman but rather man right on the edge. Frankly, he’s far more interesting than the celluloid versions. A real Hollywood movie star couldn't muster up the mess that is the soul of James Bond; that takes an actor.

Nonetheless, Bond had always been a sophisticate in his tastes: pink champagne suppers, Jermyn Street tailor and cigarettes made from a special blend of tobacco bought in Burlington Arcade. In the elegant casinos of Monte Carlo, there is no more refined game than baccarat, or chemin de fer as it is known. The contest has nothing to do with the cards and everything to do with money management and finding streaks of luck. The finer points are not obvious to neophytes. It's the ideal 007 game -- roulette in the film "Diamonds are Forever" notwithstanding.

So the film will replace the elegant baccarat with America’s favorite version of poker, Texas Hold ‘Em, a perfectly adequate game that is readily understood by anyone who knows which hand beats what in poker. It also has all the sophistication of poker night in an Aurora, Illinois, wood-panelled basement gambling with used car salesmen and independent insurance agents. At least, the producers didn’t place the action in Atlantic City, and Bond is still a member of MI6 and not a Texas Ranger.

This is the third blundering attempt at bringing this work to life. Inevitably, it must be the best since the previous attempts set the bar so very low. The 1967 version was a spoof starring David Niven (who really should have known better). Although the 1954 TV episode of “Climax!” sported a very likely Peter Lorre as Le Chiffre, “Jimmy Bond” played as an American by Barry Nelson certainly cancelled that out. Did it not occur to anyone, though, that if Mr. Fleming had wanted 007 to play Texas Hold ‘Em, he would have written it that way?

© Copyright 2006 by The Kensington Review, Jeff Myhre, PhD, Editor. No part of this publication may be reproduced without written consent. Produced using Fedora Linux.

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